If Only
by catatran33
Summary: When Castle ends up on Kate's doorstep late one night, will their feelings finally end up out in the open? Or will it end as it always ends for them?
1. Chapter 1

_It's feeling like our time's run out_  
><em>But the hourglass<em>  
><em>Just flipped itself over again<em>  
><em>The sun is slowly sinking down<em>  
><em>But on the other side<em>  
><em>A new day waits to begin<em>  
><em>~ Boyce Avenue<em>

* * *

><p>In the dead of night, a black figure appears out of the shadows, moving slowly down the street as if in search of something long lost in time. He walks with a purpose but blindly so as he makes his way to his intended destination, unable to calm the turbulent thoughts and doubts running through his mind.<p>

It all started months ago… on a night just like this. Quiet and cold. Dark and Intimate.

His steps echo down the empty streets—the same emptiness that had taken his aching heart prisoner. A prisoner of its own discord.

As the chill settles in beneath his coat, he shuffles through his endless memories, finding the one he remembers most vividly—the one where they nearly lost each other to the frigid cold. Huddling close for warmth, they held on tightly, well aware that death was knocking on their doorstep. They almost confessed their feelings—words that otherwise never would have seen the light of day. But fate took it away from them once again, perpetuating the unending cycle of unrequited love. _If only_, he thinks.

Nearing his destination, he sees a young couple in the distance saying their goodbyes. With his vivid imagination, he weaves an elaborate story for them, something he always seems to do. If stories were reality, he would have envied the story he had woven for them.

As he comes closer, he watches as the young lady holds on tightly to the young man, as if she never wants to let him go. The man lets his hand caress her lovely locks as he softly kisses her temple. He pulls back before he leans in, capturing her lips in his, forgetting the world around them.

His steps gain momentum, moving quickly past the couple. A blanket of sadness suddenly hangs over him as he realizes that he'll likely never have the chance to do the same—love her that is. Her heart was taken, and in the process, she had inadvertently broken his. Apparently, fate didn't want them to be together. _Why did you make me fall madly in love with her when all this time she was going to love someone else?_ he asks silently.

Suddenly, he sees the night sky light up for a brief moment, hearing the booming thunder several seconds later. Light rain begins to fall from the dark clouds, covering his disheveled hair and coat in a thin sheen of water. He hurries, picking up his pace. Before long, the once light rain becomes a heavy downpour.

He reaches his destination, but not before he is practically soaked to the bone and dripping wet from the rain. But he doesn't seem to notice as he enters the elevator and pushes the button for the 3rd floor.

Moments later, he arrives at her doorstep. Staring at the door, he stands there for a long time, wondering why the hell he was there in the first place. He rests his damp forehead and shaking hand against the cool, painted wood.

He is petrified—scared of what will happen to their fragile relationship. He broke her trust once. He doesn't intend on doing it again. But, he is more afraid of never learning what could have been.

He lifts his hand and hesitates for a moment before knocking softly against her door. He waits for several moments, but hears nothing. Relieved, but a little disappointed, he surmises that she has already gone to bed. _Something you should be doing, too_, his conscience reminds him.

Just as he is about to turn away and go back from once he came, the door opens, revealing his sleep-disheveled, but still extraordinary detective.

"Castle?" she whispered loudly, squinting at his figure. "What are you doing here so late?"

He looks at her with sad blue eyes, hoping she will look into his soul and discover all his secrets. _But, she's taken_, his conscience reminds him. _She isn't yours, and she never will be. _Realizing he shouldn't be there, he averts his eyes and ducks his head, ashamed and embarrassed.

After a moment of silence, she takes a few steps forward, letting a hand run comfortingly down his coat sleeve.

"Castle, you're soaking wet! Didn't you call a cab?"

Only at her comment did he finally realize he was thoroughly drenched from the rain. His eyes meet hers sheepishly as he shakes his head.

With his wet, disheveled hair and sad, baby blue eyes, she couldn't help but smile a little. He looked like a lost little boy, scared and afraid.

"C'mon, Rain Man, let's get you dried off." she replies, smiling, as she shuffles back into her apartment, disappearing down the corridor.

He hesitates before making his way into the foyer. After closing the door and hanging his coat, he pads over to the couch.

_You shouldn't be here_," says his moral conscience._ This isn't right. She's with someone else. You should just leave it alone._

_But, I can't. I need to know…whether or not it destroys the relationship we took so long to build_, replies his broken heart.

Lost in his thoughts, he doesn't notice her entering room and take a seat beside him. He is suddenly pulled back into reality when he feels something soft brush against his cheek. He turns his head slightly, finally noticing her and the downy fabric in her hand.

"Hey," she whispers, concerned. "You okay?"

He looks away. "I guess not," he replies softly.

In lieu of a response, she sits there quietly, raising the towel again to his cheek in an attempt to dry him off. Unconsciously, he leans into her touch, wishing to hell and high water that she was his.

Drying off as much as she deemed appropriate, Kate hands him the towel.

"Here. Dry yourself off before you catch a cold."

He nods slightly before taking it. But, in the process, his fingers lightly brush hers, causing a jolt of electricity to spark between them. Before his mind can catch up with his actions, he wraps his fingers gently around hers, eliciting a quiet gasp. He captures her uncertain, emerald gaze with his sad, sapphire eyes and sees her worrying her bottom lip.

_Don't do it_, reminds his conscience. _She's not yours._

_But, god, I wish she was_, his heart replies.

"Thanks," he muttered softly before letting his hand fall away.

He towels off his dark, disheveled hair with a quick rub. Hearing a small chuckle beside him, he directs his attention to her.

"What?" he asks, returning her chuckle.

Before she can stop herself, she lets her fingers run through his damp hair in an attempt to tame the unruly locks.

"You look like Mufasa," she says, flashing him an amused smile, her eyes sparkling with playfulness.

He smiles, too.

Silence settles around them, neither willing to break an unmistakable barrier. She studies him, wondering what was going on inside that head of his. Showing up at her door unexpectedly wasn't uncommon, but the lack of his jovial demeanor was. Something was troubling him…but what?

"So, what made you come to me in the middle of the night?" she asks, breaking the silence, giving him the opportunity for one of his usual innuendos. But she hears nothing. Just silence. "What's on your mind, Castle?"

He sighs heavily, letting his hands ran through his hair. "Everything."

"I'm sorry," she softly replies as her eyes study his melancholy expression.

"Don't be," he mutters quietly, directing his gaze at her. "It's not your fault."

She pauses, unsure of what to say as she chews on her bottom lip. "But, I feel like it is."

His gaze lingers a split second too long. _You have no idea_, he thinks.

Her brows furrow out of guilt. "It is, isn't it?" she asks with a hint of sadness.

Castle averts his gaze, staring at the towel still in his hands. "I didn't say anything," he answers, so softly that Kate barely hears it.

"You didn't have to," she replies in return.

He keeps his head downcast, unable to look her in the eye and see the hurt he ultimately put there. After all she's been through, she deserved all the happiness in the world. And yet, here he was, making her feel guilty for something she had no control over. She couldn't help who she fell in love with, and he couldn't blame her for it. It wasn't as if he was the perfect knight in shining armor from a fairytale. No, he was a heartbreak waiting to happen. _At least…that's what I used to be_, he thinks.

In the midst of his warring emotions, he doesn't notice Kate rise from the couch and gently sit on the coffee table in front of him. It's only when she reaches out to stop his hands from trying to tear apart the towel that he is pulled back into reality. Soothingly, she caresses his hands, taking away the abused fabric.

"Castle," she says softly, as she lets her hands cover his. He doesn't move.

"Castle," she repeats, letting a finger stoke his cheek tenderly. "Look at me."

Finally, he meets her gaze, revealing the unshed tears that he had fought so hard to keep hidden. "What did I do to make you so miserable?"

He stares at his beautiful detective, hoping to memorize every curve and feature before everything around them fell apart. _God, she's still extraordinary, even after all these years and all that we've been through. _

"Nothing," he whispers. "Nothing at all."

"I don't understand—"

"You did _nothing_," he replies more forcefully, sadness lacing his words.

"Castle?" she asks, confused.

"You did nothing to stop this."

"Stop what?"

"Stop—" _Us_, he wants to say. Suddenly, he stands from the couch, towering over her in his six-foot frame, looking at her with a tender gaze.

She remains silent, giving him time, his space. And as he starts to pace back and forth before her, she watches him closely, aware that whatever was tormenting him would alter their relationship.

"You know," he begins quietly. "I never intended to come here tonight."

Crossing the room to the window overlooking the rainy street, he continues, "I shouldn't even be here. What would _Josh_ think? Writer Boy coming in the middle of the night to pour his heart out to _his_ girlfriend? What a joke," he says, more to himself than to Kate, shaking his head in disapproval.

He remains quiet for a long moment, watching the occasional car drive by. "Three years ago, I never thought I'd be here. Running around the city with the NYPD—with Ryan, Esposito." He turns in her direction and adds softly, "With you."

Kate gasps softly as she takes in his longing gaze, watching him closely as he slowly makes his way back to her. She had only seen that gaze once before: the case involving Kyra, Castle's old flame and the one that got away. _It can't be_, she thinks, mentally shaking herself. _He can't see me like that...Can he?_

"You guys have become a part of my family," he continues. "More, if possible. And, sometimes, I'm so scared I'll lose the _one_ thing that I _love _most." He pauses, before adding dejectedly, "Maybe I already have."

"You'll never lose us, Castle," she says comfortingly.

"You don't understand," he sighs heavily, shaking his head. "And I can't make you."

"Then, explain it to me," she replies, a little frustrated.

Taking a final step, he is standing in front of her once again. "If I do, you need to know that it was never my intention to hurt you."

"Castle, you're scaring me," she says slowly.

He watches her as her eyes become uncertain, weary. So, he reaches out, brushing his fingers gently against her cheek in an attempt to comfort her.

"Do you know why I made you my muse?"

"I don't know. To annoy me?"

"No, my dear detective," he murmurs. He smiles softly, moving a disobedient curl away from her eyes, tucking it behind her ear. "I made you my muse because I saw an extraordinary woman who fought tooth and nail for justice—for the victims, the families, and most importantly yourself. You know what it's like to be on the other side. You know what it's like to lose someone and not be able to have the peace of mind that the killer got what they deserved. You give people the one thing you've never been able to find: an answer. You have compassion, Kate, because you understand. That's why you're such a good detective, and that's why you're my muse."

Kate looks away from him, worrying her bottom lip, slightly embarrassed and uncomfortable at his praise.

"That's nothing to be ashamed of, Kate," he says, lightly lifting her chin to meet his gaze.

He pauses, before taking her delicate hand in his, drawing circular patterns with his thumb. "Do you know what else?" he asks softly after a long moment, letting the words sink in. She shakes her head, unable to speak even if she could formulate words. "Once, I thought following you around would just be another perk to the job, the research. But, as I got to know you, you have become _so_ much more to me than I ever thought possible. You've become my best friend," he confesses, playfully adding, "Don't tell Ryan and Esposito."

That elicited a smile from them both.

"And sometimes," he continues, looking down at her hand, still held in his. "I want to believe that I'm no longer the famous playboy author to you. That I've become something more to you, like you are to me." His hopeful blue gaze rises to meet hers.

"You are," she whispers, squeezing his hand. He smiles briefly, but it fades just as quick. His eyes hold desperation, disappointment, and defeat as he longing wishes their secrets were out in the open. "You're my best friend, too."

"Is that all?"

Kate furrows her brow, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Is that _all_ I am to you?" he asks, with a slight bitterness to his tone.

"Castle, I—you're my best friend. What else do you _want_ me to say?" she retorts, returning his tone. She knew what he wanted her to say, but she couldn't make herself say it either.

With an overwhelming sadness hanging over him, he lets go of her hand reluctantly. _I came here to tell her, and yet, I can't even do that_, he thinks. _I'm such a coward._

With his tails between his legs, he sighs heavily. "I should go," he whispers softly. "I'm sorry I woke you."

But before he can walk out the door, Kate's voice stops him. "Is that it? Is that all you have to say?"

He looks over his shoulder, surprised to see that she had moved within arms reach. He sees her bite her bottom lip, a sure indication that she was nervous or thinking of something to say.

He wishes he could tell her she was the most beautiful and extraordinary woman he had ever seen. He wishes he could hold her, comfort her in her time of need. Kiss her until she became pliant in his arms and hold her up when her knees gave out. Finally tell her he loved her.

"Castle," she whispers, placing a hand against his chest, feeling the rough fabric of his blue dress shirt between her fingers. "Why did you come here tonight?"

He stutters, hesitates, avoiding her gaze. "Kate, I—"

"What did you want to tell me?"

She can feel the pent up emotion rise in his chest, hear the shaky breath he lets out to calm himself, see his ocean blue eyes stare at her with so much reverence. A quiet gasps escapes her. Scared of the intensity of the moment, she lets her hand drop away. But, just before she can, his hand captures hers, keeping it above his heart.

"Castle—" she says breathlessly.

"I…I came here tonight to tell you—" He hesitates as his emotions get the better of him, his eyes overcome with unshed tears.

"Tell me what?" she asks, daring him to continue.

_It's now or never_, his heart tells him.

As he brings his other hand to cup her cheek, he sees Kate's eyes fall close and lean into his touch, bringing a small, but sad smile to his face.

"I came here to tell you," he repeats shakily. "That I loved you."

Kate's eyes snap up to meet his. What she sees is genuine adoration…and defeat.

"Castle, I—" _love you, too._

"I'm sorry," he replies, cutting her off. "I know I shouldn't have said that. And I know you belong to Josh. But I just can't pretend anymore," he whispers, letting his thumb caress her cheekbone. "I have always meant what I said, Kate. You are _extraordinary_. I just wish… I wish I was the one who stole your heart, like you stole mine."

As their eyes meet, he sees no bitterness, no resentment—just fear. And love? _It can't be_, he thinks.

Before he can change his mind, he leans in slowly, seeing Kate's eyes flutter shut. But instead of feeling her sweet lips on his, he settled for the corner of her mouth, kissing the spot tenderly. _Cherries_.

He pulls back reluctantly. He would be happy to suspend time and stay right here with her forever if he could. Once he walked out this door, he didn't know if he could live knowing she didn't love him back.

"You deserve all the happiness in the world, Kate. I hope you find it," he whispers against her ear, before letting her go to head toward the door.

She stands there, unable to move, unable to stop all their shared memories from running through her mind. In every one of them, she finds lost opportunities neither one ever took a chance on. But, she also finds things left unspoken, now made crystal clear.

As he opens the door, he hears "Castle, wait!" Turning his head, he captures her watery emerald gaze with his sapphire one—a silent conversation only they understood.

_I love you, too, Castle._

She sees him stand up straighter as if confidence found its way back to into him.

_You don't know how happy I am, Kate._

She finds a slight smile appear on her lips, despite the tear rolling down her cheek.

_But, I'm not free._

_I know._

Hopefully, she quietly asks, "See you tomorrow?"

_Wait for me?_

With a small, but sad smile, he replies just as softly. "Always."

* * *

><p><em>Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight<em>  
><em>Just a touch in a fire burning so bright<em>  
><em>And I don't want to mess this thing up<em>  
><em>I don't want to push too far<em>  
><em>Just a shot in the dark that you just might<em>  
><em>Be the one that I've been waiting for my whole life<em>  
><em>So, baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight<em>  
><em>~ Lady Antebellum<em>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: For those of you who are or might be a little frustrated with me for not updating my other story, I am so sorry! But I know no apology will make up for it. The life of a college student -_-**

**Anyway, this story popped into my head three weeks ago. And only now have I finished it. The two lyrics are the songs I've been listening to constantly to write this story. I recommend them!**

**All grammar mistakes are mine, and I hope you enjoyed the story (even though it probably didn't end it the way you wanted it too... o_o)... :)**


	2. No Longer The Sequel

**Author's Note: Thank you for all of your reviews, favorites, and alerts over the past year! I know this story didn't quite end the way most of you really wanted it to. And I wasn't actually planning to end it that way. It just stopped naturally on its own. **

**So, with that said, I reward you with _No Longer_, the sequel to_ If Only_ :) It can be found published separately in the Castle fanfiction (because it can also stand alone)! :)**

**Enjoy!**


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